Back to work, as usual..and too relaxed? Could be.

Isabel Hickey (I'm very close to finishing the first read through of her astrology book) supplied a thought that seems to fit my experiences of late. It was echoed by a line in Brad Kochounis' astrology book, Astrological Imagination. Both thoughts had to do with an important quality in the personality, the realization that one can work without the expectation of catching happiness as a result.

I know that when I don't feel good, when I feel pressured, I'll run around in my head like squirrels chasing each other through the trees. I'm trying to figure out how I can adjust this or find that to make my life change for the better, so I can start doing all those things I'm 'supposed to'. And that's not a bad quality to have, obviously, but its benefit always seems to stop before it addresses the deepest need, and that is to feel like I've reached the asked for level of responsibility that my life is pushing me to find. Responsibility = ability to respond...to new, changing, or different situations. That ability, I imagine, makes one feel capable, and, as a result, secure, even when the future is unclear. It's better, for me at least, than the ability to fix everything. It doesn't require a person to have foreseen and prepared for every possible thing that could go wrong. Again, preparedness is a really good thing...but when it becomes an obsession, it kind of seems to narrow the field of experiences and makes one forget that life is about living - and learning.

In a recent blog, I wrote about the lunar eclipse, my speaking engagement with the Men's group at my old church, and the stresses of a job that culminated in an indefinite pause of work involvement. Two weeks later, after the last automatic deposit was made, the feelings of guilt and slipping self esteem began to accumulate and the stories I told to handle it sounded kind of hollow. In the end, the solution was to return a call and get back to work, earning another five hundred or so dollars in the last two weeks of the project I had trained for in late May. (Perhaps final - its seems you really never can say that when you work for the census).

The practical need for money is exactly that - both practical and necessary. And the deeper need, the emotional victory, if you will, is doing what felt uncomfortable to me without shutting off too many feelings or retreating from the Saturnian rite of passage that is a job; sticking with the work, both physically and emotionally - that is what I tried, and am trying, to do. Its kind of a revisitation of a theme of mine from the mid nineties, when I worked a series of temporary jobs and declared to my therapist (a little prematurely, as it turned out) that "I 'know' I will 'always' work." And I did, for almost ten years, before turning to my parents to support me more heavily again while I finished a dissertation.

I'm not feeling quite as good now, this past week, as I wait between paydays for the 'final' big deposit to be made from the hours put in on this project. I'm feeling like I've blown a bit of that earned money more carelessly than I feel like I should. At least half of it is already spent, or all of it, if I'm completely honest about every bill and expense outstanding. Still, I've paid off two of the three credit cards I routinely use for spending, and I've been able to supply all the extra spending money I usually have to find somewhere else, for several months, too. I've also paid for a few significant annual expenses - insurance, exams, that kind of thing. I still have a couple big bills outstanding, and I'm not exactly certain of how many more are coming up this month - too afraid to look, I get scattered in my mind about it.

I could use a break from the pressure, but also, some realistic opportunities on the horizon. There is some garden work to do - that paid for most of my trip to our annual family reunion. You know I want to have that class going this fall. And there's dribbles of talk about one more census activity, and I put my name in the ring.

Practical necessities. Important. But not in first place. Seems like I'm getting to a finish line and finding another leg ahead of me - or learning that was only the qualifying heat. But that's okay - it's more satisfying to feel like I'm addressing an underlying issue of life than looking creative while treading water on vacation.

I was given a silly Christmas present as a kid from a woman who occasionally baby sat my sister and I and was also a friend of grandmothers'. It was a framed, fake one dollar bill that said, "Money isn't everything. But it's way ahead of whatever's in second place." I wish now that moment hadn't been treated as a joke about my personality and left at that. Because it wasn't the best quality for me to cultivate. But I can live with it - lessons given are likely lessons deserved. Maybe I should put more effort into both earning some money and making it more clear that I don't think it's the greatest, most important thing around.

I guess the other option is to openly own that desire. Just let it out, let it release rather than trying to work it into some kind of proper expression. I'm less comfortable with that option than the first. Maybe it's from having a natal Jupiter in detriment. Which means expressing things precisely (it squares natal Virgo planets) yet without embellishment is important but almost impossible (quincunx to Neptune in Scorpio). A fifth house Jupiter wants to dramatize things, right? And Gemini likes to put a good spin on a story). When I release the feeling through pure expression, it simply feels great. It's very hard not to get bogged down in the details and the work of finishing goals. Which kind of brings me back to that qualifying statement about returning to work. It wasn't a goal I needed to accomplish, so much as a need to do experience of going to work, as usual.

The second big astrological event was the solar eclipse in, of all places, my sixth house, about a degree from that (seventh house cuspy) Lilith asteroid and directly opposite my natal Capricorn Sun. Didn't think sticking with a hard thing would be a result - I thought it would involve some kind of dramatic, rebellious change, as I usually do (natal Uranus-Pluto trine the Sun, trine the IC, and, probably most influential, a natal first house Mars in Aquarius). But choosing to have a level head makes a lot of sense now. Which also meant participating as usual in the family reunion the following weekend without starting up as many arguments as I might have in the past. Trying to see my own way through things....If you haven't viewed my photos from that trip, you can do that at Smugmug, which I have to remember to pay for so I can keep my photos up - hurry, paycheck! Here is the link.

http://pakman6.smugmug.com/Nature/Lake-Chautauqua-and-Forests-of/13085331_2PMFA#948345290_ZXrGz